Ya, I am struggling. To stay positive, to be encouraging, to be who I want to be.
Life happens. I want to snack, have wine, not exercise-stuff, that isn’t positive or encouraging. But reality.
I struggle. Struggle with the day to day, routine crap that can tie you down and sink you in a second.
So, in bed by 9pm and taking all I can to get me through the day.
Today is new. Beginning again. Every day is a new day.
Take time for self care…I am.
First…let me just say that Lupus sucks.
I am in a battle with insurance and secondary co-pays with my Actemra shots. I have been without my shot for two weeks, and I can honestly say I haven’t felt this bad in a long while. I have five mouth sores, swollen joints and severe fatigue.Ugh. I have to function. I have to go to the max every day. I can’t have this happen. What makes me even more frustrated is the fact that I can’t contact the insurance companies but during the day–my work day!Can someone say “screw me”?! But really though!!
Life in the moment: I am tired, fatigued, I hurt…physically…emotionally drained..and completely done with insurance. I have borrowed spoons for the week from next week, and not sure how many I have left.
Had to vent…sorry…but thanks.
This is my Passion Planner week at a glance inspiration. I like it. Searching for peace.
“Joshua said to them, ‘Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Be strong and courageous. This is what the LORD will do to all the enemies you are going to fight.” Joshua 10:25 NIV
I have been discouraged with myself this past week. So much so that people actually see that something is wrong, that I am upset. I am not dealing well with things at work. Not that my work has changed, but the work I am doing. I am the type of person who wants my work to be perfect. It has to done perfectly. I fight with myself on this constantly.
Logically, I know that I am not perfect, nor the work I do is perfect. I know this, but it doesn’t change the fact that I want it to be. My enemies are my inside voices. Those that tell me I am not good enough. That I can’t do it all. (Again, I know that I can’t but some days are worse than others.) My self worth has been low lately.
I over commit to things in January. I am overwhelmed, although not busy. I am anxious with silly things. I want to be calm in spirit, to encourage and support those around me. One evening this past week, I came home and just cried. I tell others that when they do that it is a release. Your body can’t hold in everything anymore and needs to let things go. I feel week, and uncertain when it happens to me.
“I am with you and for you. You face nothing alone–nothing! when you feel anxious, know that you are focusing on the visible world and leaving Me out of the picture. The remedy is simple: Fix your eyes not on what is seen but on what is unseen. Verbalize your trust in Me, the Living One who sees you always. I will get you safely through this day and all your days. But you can find Me only in the present. Each day is a precious gift from My Father. How ridiculous to grasp for future gifts when today’s is set before you! Receive today’s gift gratefully, unwrapping it tenderly and delving into its depths. As you savor this gift, you find Me.” – Romans 8:31; 2 Corinthians 4:18; Genesis 16:13-14 AMP —Jesus is Calling by Sarah Young
Again, making some changes. Letting go. Forgiving myself and knowing that I don’t have to do everything.
I am enough.
I have been feeling overwhelmed the past couple of days.
I feel as though I have taken on too much…at work and at home. Nothing is getting a hundred percent of me. I feel as though I am not even giving seventy percent to anything.
Home or personal…class –ugh! I signed up for a couch to 5k…feeling completely defeated as my hips are killing me today. I should have been at practice last night but instead took a bath. Class…ya not currently in the mood which isn’t helping.
Work…too many things coming at once and I actually feel trapped. I am able to do my job but feel as though I can’t keep up with what is coming at me (not able to do what needs to get done at the best of my ability).
Too much right now…trying to breathe.
For the past two years, I have blogged everyday. It was a Passion Planner goal, and I was successful at it. I have gained 241 new followers (began with 7 in January 2017)…thank you. Crazy for me to think that so many of you actually want to read my crazy writing.
Thank you again!
Most days I love blogging, and coming up with new things to post about. Most of the time I blog one to two days for the week ahead. Or I post about things that have been completed or done in the past (like trips or travel). I am bothered by instant blogging as I don’t think I can do that with my schedule and anxiety.
I am taking a class again this semester towards my AA. Only one class a semester and if I only do two classes in 2019 I will be okay with that.
What I keep coming back to is that I am enough – right now. That work, taking classes or stressing over any of those things will not make me a better person. If I stress over the event itself how does that benefit anyone especially me.
In Oprah’s January 2019 magazine issue, Kacey Musgraves is quoted “Not every pebble is a boulder. It’s a good reminder, because I can easily sweat the small stuff.” -as her best piece of advice.
That statement is so true for me. I sweat the small stuff now, so I don’t need to add any. But how do I do that? I have to remind myself daily that I am ENOUGH. That brings me back to the blog. I am not sure I will be able to maintain blogging every day. It is a hope, but not realistic for me. I will do my best…
I come back to this: MY word for 2019—ENOUGH. I am enough at work, at school, blogging, as a Mom, friend, wife. In all things I am enough.
Happy New Year, and many blessings to you and your families.